I have thought of myself as "the fat girl" since I was five. About seven or eight years ago I found a picture of myself, wearing a plaid short romper, leaning against a rock in early evening sun. It was taken when I was about ten. My twenty-five year old self stared at that picture for a long, long time and then cried for a long, long time. What I saw was a very pretty girl. Tall. Very long legs. On the verge of looking more womanly than girly. But she was not fat.
I was shocked. Honestly shocked. By that picture. Looking back, I recognize that this was the moment that I started to become much more critical and analytical about this part of my identity. It was the moment, too, that I started becoming much more open to the idea of talking about my weight with other people. For most of my life, the topic had been very clearly off limits to my family (with the exception of my mother. but you know moms. they often ignore those arbitrary boundaries.) and to my friends, and definitely to my romantic partners. In the last eight years, I've begun having a lot more conversations. I saw a nutritionist. I saw a therapist. I talked to friends whom I trusted. I have even let the topic be more clearly on the table with people that I date.
What I found was that the people around me filled in the bubble of silence about my weight with their own text. They created content out of their assumptions. Further, I began to realize that it was not only the people close to me who were creating narratives for me. It is something that a lot of the world does when they encounter someone who is overweight. This has been an upsetting realization. I want to have more control over my own narratives. I want to be understood on my own terms and not just understood through someone else's (mostly uninformed) assumptions.
This is part of the inspiration, and justification, for this blog. The other part is this: recently I have been ill. I can be fixed, but it is going to take surgery. My illness affects my stomach and my eating habits. The illness itself, and the fact that I am getting ready for surgery, has created a perfect storm for weight loss. I have already lost somewhere over twenty five pounds (since I started tracking it--I may have lost more before the beginning of May, but twenty five since then). After surgery I am likely to lose at least that much in about six weeks. And after that? After that I will need to continue to lose weight because, although it is unlikely that my weight caused my condition, it can cause the condition to reoccur.
As I have been going through this, people have begun to notice the changes in my body. Most people assume that I am happy about losing weight. As a result, they feel encouraged to make comments about 1) how good I am looking. Or 2) how happy I must be. Or 3) how it must be nice that my condition has the up side of causing a weight loss. These people are very well intentioned. They are also completely misguided.
Myth Number One: The desire of all fat people, whether they will admit it or not, is to be thin.
The conversations I've had with people over the years, and the material reality of becoming not fat has made me believe that I need to address the myths--the uninformed narratives--that surround weight in a more head on way. Otherwise, I am very afraid that as I become not fat, I will also become very, very angry and bitter. So the purpose here, on a personal level, is both to document what is going on with me and my body, and to give me an outlet to talk about the issues that arise (and some of the issues that I've dealt with throughout my life that I haven't really had a chance to discuss). As far as the goal for my readers: well. Some of you may read because you love me and want to understand me better. Some of you may read because you relate. And some of you may read to have your assumptions challenged.
What you can expect here: I will tell you some personal stories. And I will keep you loosely updated on my "journey" (wow. I hate that term). But I also want to talk about some of the myths about fat people, as I see them. And about the role of the fat person in our culture. And about topics that relate--things like dieting, dating, exercise, clothes shopping and health. I want to look at as many facets of fat-ness, with as much honesty as possible.
And it is a myth that all fat people most want to be thin. From the outset, you should know that I have very mixed feelings about becoming not fat. It is hard to think about giving up the "fat girl" part of my identity.
What I most want is not to be thin. What I most want is for it not to matter. Not to matter to my employers, to my family, to my friends, to strangers on the street, and for it not to matter to anyone who loves me.
Thank you for reading. I hope to see some of you back again.
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